So today I find myself working unusually late on the Wenis due to some imaginary deadline imposed by Big Boss. But he signs the paycheck and well, it’s not like I had any plans anyway. So I FINALLY get done and I decide to go down to the bar and grill next to the office and have a beer and maybe a bite to eat. I get to the bar and sitting there at a table are a few of my coworkers and before I can ditch out the door I’ve been spotted. Now, I’ve worked with these people for some time and I know they go down for drinks pretty regularly and I’ve never been invited. Not that I expect to be…we rarely talk in the office. I get the impression that they don’t really like me that much and frankly I don’t really like them but there’s this unwritten rule that when you run into someone from the office at the bar RIGHT NEXT to the office and you’re by yourself they are obligated to invite you to join them and you’re obligated to accept. So I’m praying I don’t get any indication of an invite because then they will have been the rude ones. Instead I get the half hearted nod and raised glass. The universal sign for, “wanna join us for a beer?” So now, the onus is on me and of course I’m too weak to say no. Anyway, I sit with them and get a beer and really it’s all just bitching about one Big Boss or the other at the office and the only thing that really sticks out in my mind is how much alcohol and tobacco products we are all consuming.  

This gets me to wondering if anyone has ever done a study to show a correlation between alcohol and tobacco consumption rates as compared to how big an A-hole you’re boss is.  

I mean think of the implications. You get pulled over on your way home from happy hour for a DUI. So you go before the judge and you bring in your boss. The judge sees what a class A jerk your boss is and you get found Drunk By Reason of Sanity. 

Big Boss comes in and says he’s got something real important for me to do. He wants me to develop a new process. It’s all hush hush. He wants me to give it an acronym so if the rank and file overhear managers talking about it they won’t know what it means. He’s been reading about how GE apparently fires the bottom 20% based on performance every year. So of course he wants to do that. This is the process he wants me to put into place. My first thought is, “Great. Now I have to put some process in place that will get my coworkers fired based on some arbitrary standard.” My second thought is, “How do I set the standards so I DON’T GET FIRED?” This is what I’ve been working on the last couple of days. Right before the end of the day today he comes in all grinning and proud of himself and asks how I’m doing on it. I told him I’ve been looking at some other companies that are doing similar things and I think I have a good idea of what we need to do. 

He asks if I’ve come up with a good acronym yet. I tell him, “STFU.” Then I wait. He looks at me and says, “What did you say?” I say, “STFU Boss.” 

There is an impossibly long pause.  

“What’s it stand for?” he asks. I tell him, “Systematic Termination for Underachievers.” I look at him and I see he’s making to look like he’s thinking about it real hard. After a moment of chin scratching he says, “I like it! Run with it.”   

I can’t wait to hear the managers at this company telling each other STFU.

Today when I get in to the office and log on to my computer I see there’s an urgent email from HR. Of course I open it right away. I mean everyone knows that HR is the friend of the working man right? They don’t really have the interest of the bosses in mind at all. It’s really all about the little guys and what’s best for them. 

As it turns out, it’s an email about taking the online corporate harassment training class. Didn’t we go through this last year? Are there new kinds of harassment? Do I need to be up to speed on the latest developments in office no nos? This email has (how can I put this?) sort of an urgent tone. Apparently, they’ve sent me like 14 emails asking me to take the class and if I don’t do it by the end of the week I’m going to get suspended or something. The first thing I’m thinking is how is Big Boss going to get the Wenis done if I’m suspended? I decide not to find out. 

So I log on and spend something like 2 hours of my day on this class. I think this is the exact same course I took on this topic last year and I’m a bit bored and so my mind starts to wander a bit. Mostly it wanders to thinking about the two female actresses they’ve hired to play offended female worker types are kind of hot. From there my mind just sort of takes that to it’s logical conclusion and then it occurs to me. 

Maybe I’m missing the point.

So, I’m in the office working diligently, as usual. Focusing on making sure I’m being efficient and all when Big Boss drops in to my office again. Twice in two weeks. Either that’s a sign of the apocalypse or I’m about to get canned. In any case, he  asks how I’m doing. I could have told him my parents died in a fiery plane crash and gotten the same response as what I actually said, “Fine.” So, under his arm are two books and I already know where this conversation is going to go. The two books are “The One Minute Manager” and “Who Moved my Cheese?” He smiles and hands the books to me. Clearly, he thinks he’s bestowing some great gift on me. “Hey, I want you to read these books and when you’re done set an appointment and we’ll talk about what you want to do next.” and then he leaves. What I want to do next? What I want to do next is go up to a cabin somewhere in the mountains next to a lake and spend 20 or so years perfecting my fly casting. Unfortunately, the government and my bill collectors have another idea how I should spend my time. Frankly, I’d settle for not having to work for a half wit who needs to pay me to figure out that if sales go up then usually profits go up.  

And about reading these books, he doesn’t work me enough already and now he wants me read these books during my down time? Doesn’t he have better things to do than dig up tortuous tomes to make me read. What the…? Who really reads these things? I mean aside from people who are forced to by their bosses. Maybe theirs Cliff Notes somewhere.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted up here and normally I try to find humor in any situation but today, the anniversary of 9/11, I just can’t. I can only seek perspective and I’ll tell you, if you want perspective you could do worse than to watch John Stewart’s opening to his show on the first day he came back after 9/11.

God Bless America.

Today I get in and start my computer and all kinds of craziness breaks loose. The machine powered up but then all I got was a screen with some text on it and a blinking light at the end of the text. So, I call Help-desk. Shouldn’t these guys be called Hinderdesk? Anyway, so they tell me they’ll have someone right down. So, I wait, FOR AN HOUR! This does give me time to think about how people ever did anything without computers. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to analyze the Wenis without Excel. So I just really get into navel contemplation when Super Cool Help-desk Guy shows up. He heads straight to my computer and begins whacking away on the keyboard at light speed and mumbles to himself. I’m waiting to hear a Scottish accent come over the intercom and tell him, “She can’t take any more” when he pushes himself away from my desk and mumbles, “Just what I thought, an I-D-10-T error.” looks at me and says, “You’re ready to go.” I thank him, cause I’m just that kind of guy. All nice to everyone. BUT, now that I type out his little error comment I’m not so sure I should have been nice to him.

Today I was in my weekly Wenis Review meeting with Big Boss. I look forward to this meeting. On any given week What’s Important from last week becomes What’s Unimportant and What’s Unimportant from last week becomes What’s Important. Also, New Things mysteriously show up on “The Big Board.” I get asked about New Things and usually I’ve never heard about them before. This initiates, “The Back Pedal Hit the Deck Move.” This is where I first “Hmm” a lot and then do my best to provide a “Management Answer.” For those of you unfamiliar with the “Management Answer” this is where you attempt to convince the questioner that you have, in fact, answered their question while providing the least amount of actual information possible. The Undisputed Master of the Management Answer was Big Boss from two jobs ago, who could convince you that he had answered your question. Typically, it would take you several days to work out that he had given you absolutely no information whatsoever. At that job we renamed the Management Answer after him and just started calling it, “The Washington.” I’ll provide an example for your edification.

Coworker, “Hey, did you get that information from Bob on when he’d be done with his part of the project?”

Me, “Well I asked him and thought I got what I needed but then yesterday I realized he pulled The Washington on me so I need to go back to him and see if I can pin him down to something definite.”

Normally, I fail miserably. Today, I must have been successful at pulling The Washington on current Big Boss because when I was done he didn’t bombard me with more questions.

To day is a good day. I think I’ll celebrate with a beer when I get home.

Big Boss called me into his office today. He spent 30 minutes talking to me about how he wants me to be more fulfilled. He feels the best way for me to attain greater fulfillment is by being more efficient at work. If I’m more efficient, I will be able to get more work done. If I get more work done, I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished more. If I accomplish more during the same amount of time, I won’t have to work late so much. This will create a better “work/life” balance.

He must be reading a book on efficiency in the workplace.

To help me be more efficient he provided a “workflow chart” to help me focus on what’s important. He must be working on his Visio skills too. He wants me to post it next to my monitor so I will be reminded of it regularly.

I’ve provided a slightly amended version of the chart here.